Love and War

I realized that my actions are not always in alignment with my intentions, and I've lost track of the things I was once certain about. All I have left is hollowing uncertainty.

It's hard to see the one person you love the most abandon their feelings for you. It always seems to boil down to now or never, but neither is an option for me right now. Why is later always out of the question? My options seem so absolute, and I guess that scares me. There is no room for hesitation.

I love a boy who is charming and witty, but I'm in love with a phantom of the past. I can't seem to give my whole heart away because I don't think it was ever returned to me. When we emotionally invest ourselves, I have to question if we are running the risk of losing ourselves. If this is the case, is this the point in our lives where we begin to rely on others to feel complete? I mean, this is cray... right?

I'm scared that I will wake up one day and realize that my heart has been distributed to past lovers with no hope of return. This makes me wonder if love ultimately leaves us bankrupt.

I think its safe to say teenaged angst never perishes but instead, escalates to love and war.

Mad World

To be frank, we live in a mad world. I say this with regard to the nation as well as its occupants. I was having a conversation with a friend that led me to the conclusion that we are surrounded by emotional instability. We are enveloped by this imbalance because it is within us all.

When we come to a pivotal point in our lives it is difficult to avoid acknowledging the inner craziness. We all try to be normal, but what does that even constitute- average? Is this what we really want, to be mediocre?

It's hard for us to realize that living puts us in a vulnerable position. We are open to injury at any given moment, but we often times forget this is what sets the madness straight. It's the insanity that gives life soul.

I remember growing up reading about extraordinary figures who changed the world. I remember thinking one day I could do that. Then I got sucked into the vacuum of normalcy. I embraced the mundane instead of embracing the martian. It's ironic how we like to follow the crowd then expect to make a difference.

Craziness is like heaven, so why fight it?

Something like this...

So my life goes something like this. I'm a twenty-something year old and seem to know very little about the future. I want to be a free bird, but this cage is all I know. Everything is up in the air floating effortlessly while I stare from below anxiously anticipating the collapse of life as I know it. Days seem to disappear, but I don't want my enthusiasm to.

I attended a networking event and felt like I was switching teams. At some point I seemed to have crossed over the invisible barrier into adulthood. Sometimes, I feel like my mindset is inconsistent with my age. Somehow, I turned into this adult with responsibilities and all these decisions to make. People ask what my plans are post graduation. My plans are to let the wind be my compass and to save the world and to live... ideally. Because this is what it's all about.

I remember being younger and wanting, more than anything, to be perfect. I remember being ruled by my insecurity and feeling of inadequacy. Now, I know perfections is boring. It isn't real. It's not me. And if I know nothing else, I need to know who I am and what my place is in this world. And that's all I ever ask for, at least right now.